before i knew what was taking place, i'd had a painting painted for me - commissioned two years ago much to the anticipation of friends and family who had taken it upon themselves to assume it was a wedding present for ourselves - it never was - it was a gift to a house - like a becoming of age thing - a house only becomes a home once it has a commissioned painting painted by one of your all-time favourite artists on the wall - that, and i also fell into some extra cash that i didn't want to fall into the anonymity of electronic banking
i had run fifteen kilometers and therefore become the fittest i've ever been i guess - but before that lady-elle had ordered me a thirtieth birthday present that was almost a month late in arriving - i didn't mind, of course - but we'd heard the night before she flew to japan, it was waiting for me at the post office - i'd finally get to see it - id finally get to know what it was - and she's a goddamn genius at buying people presents - living out of bags in london for a week, she was able to give a relative stranger a xmas present by finding out he was going to india in a week, and then giving him the handful of rupees we had left over from our recent visit - see what i mean? - anyway, she flew out to japan the next morning, and after work i was able to pick up the present - after dealing with some unnecessary but regulation hassle at the post office, i was handed a massive tube - i walked it home and put on j mascis' solo album and opened the tube - i unraveled a print of a painting by alan beam - the only artist who has ever walked on the moon - it was a painting called "is anyone out there?" it's a self portrait of the moment alan beam spent on the moon looking into the void asking himself if anyone was out there - art, space, philosophy and the perfect present for me - all i have to do is have a quite beer while listening to some psychedelic music as i slowly fall asleep as i look with hazy eyes at it, and i'll die happy - that night i ran fifteen kilometers for the first time in my life, in a good time too - it was a cool clear night and in the seventy-six minutes i was out there running, i only really saw one other person - but only just - i watched the sun set as i ran and instantly i felt the night air take over, and take over cold - and soon fog - but during the whole time the moon shone down on me and inspired me and guided me through the dark park tracks - it was a spiritual moment and i thought of that same moon moving over japan sometime soon - knowing all well that someone was out there for me
later than night my uncle found my house and dropped off a grandfather-clock that actually once belonged to my grandfather - the font of the numbers on the clock-face looked identical even though i now stand at one hundred and seventy-seven centimeters - it doesn't work, but it's currently sitting in the corner - next to our massive whatever-inch tv - and it's a phenomenon that i now possess it
my football team won a great victory last weekend, and i watched it with some friends i've known for twenty-five of my thirty-years - i lost my ipod but just bought a new one and got on with just listening to some amazing music - i stopped fighting myself and learned to love edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros - i started reading a new james ellroy book and i got my photo taken with tim rogers
prior to all of this was i exhausting myself with late nights and a couple of beers - and i felt neutral, empty and careless - but as with everything i've just written, it was all for no good reason - it was just mere occurrence, and that's the way it is - for better or worse - but as i learned by watching woody allen's whatever works during the empty sunday evening carpark that was my neutralness, you've just got to do what you can with whatever you've got to do it with - and take whatever pleasure you can out of this beautiful, amazing existence we've found ourselves in, for no good reason
i'll finish writing this by something like
if men are from mars
and women are from venus
i wanna be right here with the animals and trees
setting sun -
i see you smiling.
i'll see you tomorrow
possum madness
behind the dark leaves
- the frozen half moon
saying goodbye could always be
the last time
saying hello could always be
the first time
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